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What's up with your handshake? An interview with Mark Jeffries

March 24, 2008

[Mark Jeffries] Whether you're negotiating a deal, selling a concept, motivating your team, or simply conveying an idea, soft skills are the key differentiator that can tilt the scales in your favor. So says Mark Jeffries, a former Merrill Lynch stockbroker who's become a trusted adviser and communications consultant to some of the world's largest and most successful companies.

Jeffries is also a talented speaker who regularly appears as an image and communications expert on network television news, finance, and lifestyle programs.

Here, he joins Cognos Senior Writer Kelsey Howarth to discuss his new book, What's Up With Your Handshake?, and what attendees can expect from him as host of Cognos Forum in May.

The power of soft skills

KH: You have a new book coming out called What's Up With Your Handshake? Can you tell us about it?

"You have to ask yourself, 'How fast is my network growing? Am I building up new contacts all the time?'"

MJ: "The book is about how to harness the power of the subtle soft skills we all use all the time to get ahead of the competition.

"Soft skills and strategic communication refer to how we talk, the language we use, how we look, and generally how others perceive us. It's a soft skills toolbox.

"I take people through all the opportunities we have every day to make a lasting and positive impression. How tiny adjustments to what we say, how we act, and the way we communicate can have dramatic outcomes.

The book also offers some helpful networking ideas. Little things like how to follow up with someone to ensure that you stay on their radar. We explore the power of language-specifically, the words and the sentence structure we use.

"The book also has some great ideas on boardroom etiquette as well as techniquette - the etiquette of technology. It's critically important stuff."

Questions to ask yourself

KH: How can people self-assess whether their soft skills might need a little tune up?

MJ: "This is probably one of the toughest areas. You have to ask yourself, 'How fast is my network growing? Am I building up new contacts all the time? When I meet people, do they call me up and invite me to be part of something else?'

"When someone is nodding a lot when you're talking it means they're listening, responding, and in line with your thoughts and ideas."

"Networking is building a base of new contacts, building your personal brand.

"This is a crucial area for your development because the amount of people who know what you do – and how good you are at doing it – that is your personal brand.

"You owe it to yourself to keep growing that brand all the time.

"Another secret of assessing soft skills is learning to watch people around you to gauge whether or not they are buying into you.

"Look out for what I call NPM – nods per minute. When someone is nodding a lot when you're talking it means they're listening, responding, and are in line with your thoughts and ideas."

Ask for "honest, brutal opinions"

KH: You can't practice your soft skills in isolation. How do you get honest feedback from those around you?

"Before you make any effort, speak to a few of your trusted friends and ask for honest, brutal opinions."

MJ: "Before you make any effort, speak to a few of your trusted friends and ask for honest, brutal opinions. Ask them first what your plus points are to put them at ease. Then ask what they think your biggest faults are.

"Start working on more effective strategic communication. Check back a few months later with those people and see if they've noticed a change."

The science behind the handshake

KH: What are the common mistakes people make when meeting someone for the first time?

"There is a whole science behind a handshake and you've got to get it right."

MJ: "Your handshake is a personal statement. We've all experienced bad handshakes – someone who won't let go, someone who squeezes too tight, someone whose hand is all floppy.

"There is a whole science behind a handshake and you've got to get it right. Most people don't know that the ideal duration of a handshake is two seconds.

"I also always watch people's eyes. If you shake hands with someone and their eyes drop they're telling you they're not confident. In terms of first impressions, people often make the mistake of trying to talk more than they listen.

We all have things we want to say, but the most important thing in a first meeting is to listen.

"The person you are speaking to is sharing information and data. Really listen so that when you finally do open your mouth, what you say back is wholly relevant and matters to them."

Bill Clinton and "the lighthouse effect"

KH: Are there any public figures that you admire in terms of their soft skills?

"Bill Clinton was always famed for making everybody in the room feel like he was speaking just to them. I call it the lighthouse effect."

MJ: "Soft skills are a very personal, intimate thing, normally between one or two people. That being said, certain politicians have a great way of displaying their connection with people.

"Bill Clinton was always famed for making everybody in the room, even if there were a thousand of them, feel like he was speaking just to them. He would make very direct eye contact and spread that eye contact around the whole room. I call it the lighthouse effect.

"Barack Obama is another politician who elicits deeply passionate responses from people because of the way he uses language.

"He uses the Power of Three. This is when you say one point, but three different ways. He recently said, 'We will reach for it. We'll work for it. And we'll fight for it.' One. Two. Three. That's a very powerful way of structuring a sentence and people instantly respond.

"He also uses a lot of balance. This is where a sentence is balanced in terms of its format.

"So for example he said recently, 'Our destiny will not be written for us. It will be written by us.' That was a balanced statement, and it got a huge reaction."

A Cognos Forum "three-peat"

KH: In May, you'll be the host of Cognos Forum in Las Vegas for the third year running. What key messages do you hope to share with the audience?

"For anyone interested in soft skills, [Las Vegas] is the people-watching capital of the world."

MJ: "Forum is always great fun. What I adore about it, especially coming back year after year, is seeing the same familiar faces.

"I always look forward to sharing with them what I've learned – new approaches, new angles, new stories. I look forward to bringing some great lessons in terms of how the Forum audience can improve and fine tune the way they communicate.

"It always upsets me that a great inventor may have a spectacular idea that just sinks away for lack of proper communication. I want to show people how to communicate a brilliant idea, sell it, and be even more successful in their life.

Vegas: The people-watching capital of the world

KH: Do you enjoy Vegas? Are there any top attractions that you look forward to seeing?

MJ: "I love Vegas. Critics of Vegas maintain that it's false. Yes, that's the point. It's the sort of place where you can do your business and also have an incredibly good time. Some people go for the gambling but for me it's a place that brings together the most spectacular hotels, shows, and some of the finest restaurants in the world.

"And, for anyone interested in soft skills, it is the people-watching capital of the world. I think it's wonderful just watching people walking around and interacting-seeing their mistakes and where they get it right."